nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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