I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
