theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
