why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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