Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
