Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
