Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
