If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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