dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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