So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
