Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Randomize
