He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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