i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
