ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
