I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
