a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize