Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
bring money and cleavage
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
