I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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