eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
