i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
