I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
