im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
