I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
