He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
