Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
