Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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