well I can't set my house on fire every night
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize