Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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