I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
