Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
True college students do jello shots in the library
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