please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
