I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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