Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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