**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
