and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
