You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
