You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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