Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
