He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
