i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Randomize
