I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
