So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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