all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
