i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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