my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
