I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
