so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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