So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
