I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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