I think I won the penis lottery.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
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