Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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