he was CRYING into my vagina
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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