Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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