I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
