you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
