mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
