If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize