I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
