I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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