every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
